This article originally appeared in PsychCentral under the name What is a Toxic Person & How Do Your Deal with One? written by Margarita Tartakovsky, and Jodie’s Gale’s quote have since been widely quoted in online publications around the world. This version has been updated by Jodie Gale.

The phrase toxic person gets used a lot, especially on social media. But from a psychotherapeutic perspective, it is rarely accurate or helpful to label an entire human being as toxic.

“It’s not that the whole person is toxic. Rather, their behaviour is toxic or your relationship with the person is toxic,” says Jodie Gale, MA, psychotherapist and life coach in Sydney, Australia.

More often than not, people who behave in toxic ways are deeply wounded. For a range of reasons, they may not yet be able to take responsibility for their emotional pain, unmet needs, or the ways these show up in their relationships.

“Often the person is deeply wounded and, for whatever reason, they are not yet able to take responsibility for their wounding, their feelings, their needs and their subsequent problems in life,” Gale explains.

Toxic Behaviour Is Often About Parts, Not the Whole Person

From a parts based and psychosynthesis lens, people may overidentify with certain internal roles or subpersonalities. For example, these might include the victim, the bully, the perfectionist, or the martyr.

“They act from these parts trying to get their needs met, albeit in an extremely unhealthy way,” says Gale.

When someone is dominated by these parts, their behaviour can feel overwhelming, draining, or unsafe to others, even if this is not their conscious intention.

Common Patterns of Toxic Behaviour

According to Gale, people who engage in toxic behaviour may:

• Create constant drama in their lives or be surrounded by it
• Attempt to manipulate or control others
• Be emotionally needy, where the focus is always on them
• Use others to meet their needs, including patterns often seen in narcissistic family systems
• Be extremely critical of themselves and others
• Experience intense jealousy or envy, focusing on their misfortune and others’ success
• Abuse substances or engage in self harming behaviours
• Be unwilling or unable to seek help from loved ones, therapy, or recovery programs

Toxicity Is Also About Your Experience

What feels toxic is not only about the other person’s behaviour. It is also about how you are impacted by the interaction.

Psychotherapist and art therapist Amy Tatsumi, MA, LPC, notes that your internal reactions are an important signal. These may include feeling betrayed, withdrawing emotionally, numbing out, or becoming overly accommodating.

This often occurs, she says, “when healthy boundaries are crossed and we let go of our values.”

From a relational perspective, toxic interactions are rarely one sided.

“A hallmark of a toxic interaction is that both people have created a conscious or unconscious story with judgment, fear or blame about the other person, and boundaries that were crossed,” Tatsumi explains.

Signs You May Be in a Toxic Relationship

Gale suggests reflecting on the following signs:

• You feel emotionally affected by the other person’s drama
• You dread or fear being around them
• You feel exhausted, angry, or depleted during or after interactions
• You feel ashamed or bad about yourself
• You are stuck in a cycle of rescuing, fixing, or caretaking

Tatsumi adds these additional indicators:

• The other person does not respect the word no as a complete sentence
• You feel like you are walking on eggshells
• You compromise or ignore your own values
• You emotionally check out or disengage
• You feel controlled, or notice yourself becoming overly controlling

It is also important to gently explore your own role in the dynamic. For example, do you abandon your boundaries to keep the peace? Do you lash out when you feel unseen? Do you withdraw in response to criticism?

What to Do About Toxic Relationships

Navigating toxic relationships requires clarity, self compassion, and often support. Gale offers the following guidance:

• Communicate assertively using I statements. For example: “When you say or do ____, I feel ____. What I need is ____. I am sharing this because ____.”
• Set clear boundaries and maintain them consistently
• Prioritise your own emotional and physical wellbeing
• Find ways to protect yourself from unhealthy behaviours
• Reflect on how you may be participating in an unhealthy relational cycle, such as making excuses or trying to fix the other person

“If the person’s toxic behaviour doesn’t change, or the relationship is just too toxic for you, send them forward in life with love and compassion, and then move forward with your life,” says Gale.

Ending a relationship can be deeply painful, especially when there is a long history or shared family context. However, creating distance can also open space for healthier, more nourishing relationships to emerge.

“Ultimately, you will have created space for much healthier and far more nourishing relationships in your life.”